Winter is finally here, which means it’s time for you earthlings with negligible body hair to start dressing like a chubby penguin again. How adorable. Naturally, Apollo Box is here to exploit this very weakness of yours called “I don’t want to freeze to death”. Anyway, here’s some of what we’ve got.
A popular Christmas choice, these cute deer earmuffs are a great way to protect your ears and keep them warm while helping you blend into all the Christmas cheer around you. Do you know that Christmas is actually pagan and rooted in Roman culture? So, it’s not surprising how secularized it is nowadays. Oops. I digress.
Good news – you don’t have to be jealous of Ninja Turtles anymore. You can now live in your own turtle shell and be a proud useless member of society. To be fair, who could blame you when you have such a cozy shell?
Just look how heavy and warm it is! I’m sweating already just looking at this thing! Your boss is going to hate us for selling you this because trust me, you’re going to oversleep a lot!
Join the cult of the Holy Bear. Join it. What’s in it for you? Well, how about this? You don’t have to wake up early on Sundays and come to the Church of the Holy Bear because there isn’t one – I wouldn’t be surprised if there was one nowadays. We’re still kind of asking for your money though. But in return, you get something – now that’s new! You get an awesome cowl that’s going to get you through this cold winter as you spread the word.
“How am I supposed to use my phone if I’m wearing gloves?” You ask. Well, look at the picture. “But my fingers would be cold!” Okay, fine. But seriously, my friend, your phone is going to be so sad if it finds out just how little you’re willing to sacrifice to spend time with it. And you should be ashamed of yourself as well – a modern man or woman does not put away their phone just because it’s freezing outside. Show some courage and be a good slave to your phone.
So it’s a cloud. And guess what it’s making? More clouds! It just makes sense. It’s like humans giving birth to more humans. Would you trust a parsley leaf on a basil stem? Would you trust a cat that barks? You should YouTube this one by the way. It’s hilarious. The answer is no. Now trust your instincts and buy this humidifier because that’s what’s kept human beings alive for millions of years. “My instincts?” – No, the humidifier.
I know. It’s an aromatherapy candle and there are different scents you can choose from… yeah, yeah, yeah. But hear me out. The duckling is part of the candle, which means it’s going to melt. So imagine how gruesome it’s going to be even though it’s all wholesome and cute right now. Poor duckling. If you’re into that kind of thing, I’m not here to stop you.
Who doesn’t love pandas? They eat, mess around, and sleep. That’s all. If a human lives a life like that, we call him a loser. Speciesism at its finest! But we can take revenge on pandas. How? You might ask. Just wrap this panda around your butt and take it on a ski trip. It’ll get what it deserves when you fall on its face.
Should you just let your dog be a dog? Listen, lady, do you honestly expect it to grow up to be some sort of genius artist just because you let it be itself? “Oh, you can’t do that. You’re hindering its creativity and imagination, you know? You should just let the dog do whatever it wants.” Ok, hear me out. You should be happy enough if it doesn’t get pregnant at age fifteen and drop out of high school and then live in your basement for the rest of its life. Now put that raincoat on it so it doesn’t get soggy and mess up your house.
These are for lazy folks who don’t want to spend time choosing individual items, and honestly, why would you bother looking elsewhere when a whole set of comfort and cuteness is available for you? No more stupid jokes or trying to sound smart? Oh, come on. I don’t get paid enough to take criticism.